Guys. Being a mommy is hard.
At first, NOTHING gets done. There is just an endless fog. You are so tired, there are so many diapers, and he never.stops.eating. When he's awake you feel like you need to be completely dedicated to him, and when he sleeps you don't dare to make a sound for fear of waking him up. The dishes pile up (buy paper and plastic people, and then throw it away!), the dust gathers, and the clutter builds. You barely get out of the house, and when you do you're so disconnected that you forget to say hi to your friend when you see her at the grocery store.
But that baby smell, mmmmm. And the way he impishly smiles while he sleeps. And the snuggles. Oh the snuggles!
Then things start to get a little better. You learn how to use what little time you have to sneak in a blessed nap, or to eat something by yourself. Or to freakin' use the bathroom. And maybe on occasion you wash a few dishes or get a load of laundry done. Or maybe, but just maybe (and only if you are feeling really motivated) you make a quick trip to the store between naps. But you still fill disconnected from reality in a way. It's hard to focus on relationships or responsibilities outside of the home.
With all that, your baby starts to smile at you. And your heart literally melts. Ok, not literally, but it sure feels like it. And he looks at you, and you know that he can see you. And he calms down when he hears your voice. And you just know that there was never anything so precious.
Slowly, a routine appears. This daily routine that feels like it repeats every 5 minutes. But without the routine you might just lose your mind. And routine turns into somewhat of a schedule. Your baby starts to sleep in long enough stretches that you feel like an actual human being in the morning. And suddenly you realize that you have both the energy and the mental capacity to actually invest in the projects and people around you. You still have to make yourself get off your butt and get moving, but the fog has lifted. And it's a beautiful thing.
This is where I am now. I love that not only do I feel connected to life again, but I am constantly delighted and amazed by the little things my baby boy is learning to do each day. There have been billions of people born on this earth, but I am completely enthralled when my son rolls over or sits up on his own. I get absolutely giddy when he laughs, I can barely take it when turns his head away and smiles as if he's embarrassed when he is playing with a toy and looks up to see me watching, and his newest trick of holding out his arms to us when he wants to be held fills me with warm fuzzies.
All this goodness does not mean that it's not still hard. There are days when I just want to stay in bed all day and play on my phone. Or other days when I just want to go to the gym because I finally feel motivated for the first time in weeks. Days when I'd like to be able to run over and help a friend at the drop of a hat. Days when I'd like to be able to focus entirely on a project that I've been dying to get done for months.
But a lot of the time I can't. I have a baby, and he needs me. So I get out of bed and play with my little boy. Because of his sleep schedule I can't make it to the gym while babysitting is available so instead we go on walks around our neighborhood, sometimes multiple times a day. I can't always just run out the door to help someone in need, but I can help them find help, and do what I can when I can. And instead of spending a day on a project, I work on it little by little during naptimes and while he is content to play on the floor by himself for a few minutes at a time.
I do what I can, even though I can't always do it when and how I want to. But looking back, I'm just so glad that I can actually get things done. My baby is growing up, and I love to watch him grow.
Being a mommy is hard. But being a mommy is awesome.
And I love being a mommy.